Transcript:What Alathazdrar does in their free time.

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This official Postbag from the Hedge is copied verbatim from the Old School RuneScape website. It is copyrighted by Jagex.
It was added on [[{{#explode:31 May 2022| |0}} {{#explode:31 May 2022| |1}}]] [[{{#explode:31 May 2022| |2}}]].

This transcript involves dialogue with Ahrim the Blighted, Dharok the Wretched, Guthan the Infested, Karil the Tainted, Torag the Corrupted, Verac the Defiled, Archmage Sedridor, Bob, Demon butler, Apothecary, Randivor, Gnome child, Cyrisus, Thermonuclear Smoke Devil, Death (NPC), and Martin the Master Gardener.

Hello everyone! I’m back from my hols and it seems there’s quite a backlog of letters to get through! Make sure you’ve got some snacks to hand, and welcome to Postbag From the Hedge: BUMPER EDITION!

To the Barrows brothers

Dear Barrows Brothers

How do you feel about people constantly raiding your resting place? I always feel bad when I dig you up, but my need for your clothing outweighs my sorrow. I hope one day you can rest in peace.

With love and respect to my fellow bros,

Code-4

Dear Code-4,

Actually, this is an issue we’ve wanted to raise for some time. As accursed wights, our rest wasn’t all that peaceful to begin with, but now that we’re being constantly hassled by adventurers, we hardly have a minute to ourselves. We used to have hobbies! Now all we do is stand around confronting trespassers.

YOUR need for clothing? Don’t make us laugh! Do you realise how many sets of armour we get through every day? It’s not cheap to replace, you know! We don’t understand why you want to wear it anyway – they don’t call him Guthan the Infested for nothing.

We’ll rest in peace when you lot learn to keep your mitts off other people’s stuff!

Yours,

Ahrim the Blighted, Dharok the Wretched, Guthan the Infested, Karil the Tainted, Torag the Corrupted, Verac the Defiled

The Barrows Bros.

To Archmage Sedridor

To Archmage Sedridor,

The Wizards’ Tower is a very nicely constructed building and quite a standout piece of architecture, considering the long bridge to reach it and it being completely surrounded by water. However, when entering your quarters downstairs, it seems as though you live in a dungeon! With the dirt floors, broken down walls, and a skeleton to boot it is certainly no place for an Archmage to dwell. Have you ever thought about sprucing the place up to be more fitting for a head mage?

Yours in magic, Cashlemke

Dear Cashlemke,

Thank you for writing, and I shall certainly pass on your comments to the former architect of the tower once Grayzag gets his necromancy spells working.

Goodness, this is embarrassing. The truth is, in my youth I had a bit of a teleportation accident – I don’t like to talk about it – and ever since, I’ve been terrified of heights. I’m perfectly comfortable down here in the basement; it’s got modern, open-plan architecture, a storied past, and a nice, quiet roommate. Plus, nobody complains about me keeping a chicken down here.

Perhaps I will think about redecorating, someday. I could give that nice lady at Mahogany Homes a call…

Yours,

Archmage Sedridor

To Pet rock

Dear Pet Rock,

Are you ok after being boiled in that one adventure we had? I like to let you rest in my cat basket but I worry you get restless. Would you like me to take you anywhere? To do anything? or are you happy napping?

From your best friend (Lorb163)

…

…

…

…

I think your Pet Rock might be sleeping, Lorb163. But he looks happy enough to me!

To Bob

Dear Bob,

I have been a regular patron at your axe shop, I would like to know how you learned your skills to repair the extremely rare Barrows armour.

Do you have a secret history? Or perhaps this is a hobby that you refined into a skillset? I would love to know your story.

Sincerely, BoopNFloop

Hello, BoopNFloop!

Funny you should ask! I was just finishing up a big order of Barrows armour for a customer. They were a funny sort, actually. I hope they don’t come by again.

Anyway, I learned to repair this sort of armour when I was but a wee apprentice. My dad didn’t want me learning to make axes – or doing any Smithing at all, to be honest. He sent me off to the Varrock Museum, hoping I’d become some fancy archaeologist type. When the curator saw that I was more practically minded, he put me to work conserving some old Third Age armour they had in storage. I had a real knack for it!

Axes are my real passion, though. And now look at me – I’m running my own business, right next to the castle! It just goes to show that you should always follow your heart.

Right, back to work. Be seeing you!

Bob

To Alathazdrar the demon butler

Dear Demon Butler,

How do you teleport infinitely, and with what magic or item? Also, where do you spend all the money we pay you? What do you like to do outside of being a butler for us?

119arjan.

Greetings my Lord,

I’m afraid that’s a trade secret, known only to the servants of the Demon Lords. It’s best that you don’t trouble yourself about it.

I save a great deal of it. I like to holiday in the Outer Darkness, and the travel fare is somewhat extortionate. My main hobby is cooking. You’ve already sampled my curry, but I can tell you I make some mean gnome cocktails – not that I would ever allow you to drink while training Construction. A butler is always responsible – and I am one hell of a butler.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must get these planks to the Bank.

Yours faithfully,

Alathazdrar

To the Apothecary

Dear Apothecary,

Through my adventures you've helped me a countless amount of times with potions and brews that I had never seen before and currently still lack the expertise to make. This makes me curious; Where did you learn your art? I had to learn the methods of the Taverley druids to be able to train the skill of Herblore, do you have any relation to them? How did you learn such proficiencies?

Please enlighten me!

- Pyia

(P.S. If you happen to have any hair care tips, I would love to know)

Dear Pyja,

Druids? You’ve been learning Herblore from druids? That bunch of hippies wouldn’t know a cadava bush if it bit them in the bum. They have no vision!

My potions are not an art – they are a science. I trained at the finest medical school in Gielinor and went on to develop my own unique recipes. It took years of training! We can’t all sit around in stone circles drinking tea and hoping for the best. Did you know they kicked me out of their little guild for making a Hair Growth Potion? The side effects weren't even that bad!

Druids. Tch!

- The Varrock Apothecary

To Randivor

To Randivor (proprietor of Keldagrim's Best Bread),

Do dwarfs actually eat dwarven rock cake? Or is it the sort of thing you keep at the bottom of you backpack to stave off hunger with the knowledge that things could be worse, you could be eating dwarven rock cake.

From, A (not so hungry) Adventurer, GreedyTacoTheif

Hello, GreedyTacoTheif!

Ah yes, Dwarven Rock Cake! A rare delicacy these days. Back when I was a wee dwarf, before the days of our modern minecart system, it was difficult to get hold of wheat to make flour, so we invented Dwarven Rock Cake to preserve the ingredients for as long as possible. Why, I remember the Dwarven Rock Cake my Mam made for my 5th Birthday. I’ve still got it in a cupboard somewhere.

Hope that answers your question!

Yours,

Randivor

To the gnome child

Gnome Child at Holiday Event,

O wise child of gnomish descent, we met in 2020 to celebrate a birthday. You may remember cat ears that were honestly a bit cringe.

When we spoke at the party, you gave me a number of cryptic, prophetic statements. I see now the wisdom in many of your words. Have all of your predictions come to pass, noble sage, or are some of these prophecies yet to be fulfilled?

Your disciple,

Lux

Hello,

I have seen many things. Past. Future. Dread visions which have come to pass, and tragedies yet averted.

Our enemies gather in the North. The sun rises in the West. In the South, the lost son returns. And in the east… the Blood Moon eclipses all light. The path will open. Are you prepared to walk it?

…

I actually really liked the cat ears! Shame I can’t fit them over my hat, though.

See you soon!

Gnome Child

To Cyrisus

My dearest Cyrisus,

How long has it been, old friend? It seems like both yesterday and years ago that we last met! The odd chats I get with you tend to be over Lunar magics, but I know that neither you or I are fond of such artificial, 'virtual' communications.

How have you been doing? You've mentioned taking on some of Gielinor's greatest challenges, but new ones seem to emerge every day. Have you thought about coming with me on another adventure sometime? There's a lot out there that we've yet to explore together (even a whole continent to the west, I'll have you know), and something tells me that any extra preparation we can make for the future will pay back in spades.

Let me know,

~ Gnome

Hello you!

I know what you mean – it feels like barely a day has passed since you helped me overcome my fears, and yet I’ve been on so many adventures I almost lose count! Hopefully we’ll catch up soon.

A continent to the West? Oh, you must mean Varlamore! Yes, there’s plenty of adventure to be had here. Hopefully they’ll open up the border with Kourend soon, so I can explore even more.

And don’t talk to me about Spades! I’ve got plenty of those from my adventures in the Wilderness!

See you around,

Cyrisus

To the thermonuclear smoke devil

Dear Thermonuclear Smoke Devil,

I've had a lot of fun duelling with you and your brethren, although through all the smoke I'm not quite able to tell; do you have a large eye, or a wide, open mouth? My eyes sting after being in the cave for a bit, so I'd hope yours don't! I'm also curious about the plethora of skeletons strewn about the cave. They don't particularly look like any creature I've seen on my adventures! Do you perchance know what these might have been in their golden years?

Lots of Love, Seph

P.S. Don't worry! I've been taking good care of Lil' Thermy.

Hi Seph!

I’ve often wondered about the people who lived in this cave before me. When I arrived here they were already skeletons – although they’ve cooled down quite a bit since then! I can imagine they enjoyed a good scrap, just like I do. It’s all gone now, but they used to have a pretty industrious forge set-up, from the looks of it. I wonder what sort of weapons they were making? It’s hard to see with just one eye.

You should stop by in the evening sometime – you might just catch them glowing!

Best,

Thermy

P.S. Glad to hear Lil’ Thermy’s doing well! Give them a hug from me!

… On second thoughts, better not.

To Death

Dear Mr. Death,

I found myself wondering what you do with the many millions of gold you’ve reaped from players over the years. Are you saving up to start a haunted house or something?

Paulet42

Greetings, Paulet42

Nothing so exciting, I’m afraid. I spent most of it on those Halloween events you all love so much. You think it’s cheap to mass-produce thousands of pumpkin lanterns every year? Don’t get me started on those jumpers. My fingers were worn down to the... well, you get the picture.

Be seeing you,

Harold Death Esq.

To Martin the Master Gardener

To Martin The Master Gardener

You've been taking care of pigs for the better part of two decades now. Will we ever be able to learn some new skills and join you in the raising of cattle?

From Wishgrantedmoncoliss

Hello fellow farmer!

Ah yes, me pigs. Cute little creatures, aren’t they? Not easy to care for, though! I suppose if you practice hard and show you can manage plants well enough, it’s not a huge leap to taking care of animals. Perhaps someday I’ll consider showing you the ropes.

Not sure about them cows, though – you’d need a much bigger pen, for starters!

Cheerio,

Martin