Transcript:Dark demons, banks, and a date with a Kahlith hunter.
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It was added on [[{{#explode:28 January 2022| |0}} {{#explode:28 January 2022| |1}}]] [[{{#explode:28 January 2022| |2}}]].
New Year, New Postbag! This year my resolution is to deliver even more of your lovely letters, in rain, heat, snow, or gloom of night! It shouldn't be too hard, since most of Gielinor doesn't have weather. Ha ha!
Anyway, let's take a look at this month's post!
To the Messenger
I know you're scared of your employer, but trying to pass that letter to me at the bottom of the ocean seems a bit much. Have you thought about a less hazardous use of your talents? Maybe delivering Gnomish cuisine?
Signed, a slightly concerned adventurerWhat on Gielinor is this?!
I was just minding my own business and this blooming talking skull popped out of nowhere and handed me a letter! What if I'd been in the bath or something?
Hmm.
In hindsight I may have been a bit overzealous. But you have to understand, the sender of that letter was not to be trifled with! I'm just glad the whole ordeal is over.
I'm not sure what I'll do now, although your friend Pete here says the GPDT are always looking for talented delivery people. Maybe I'll give that a go!
Thanks for the tip,
The Messenger
To a Nechryael
Hey Mr Nechryael, I gotta question for you. Are you in any way related to the Mahjarrat? I've met a couple Mahjarrat in some ancient ruins in the desert and they kinda look similar to you (although I must say you look much more muscular than they did, do you work out?).
Sincerely,
TheWiseLonerDear TheWiseLoner,
What are you on about? I met a couple of Mahjarrat in the bad old days and they looked absolutely nothing like me! You ought to get your eyes checked. Thanks for the compliment though - we exercise when we can, but it's a bit difficult in this old place. We tried organising a fun run once, but it upset the crawling hands.
Until next time,
Mr Nechryael
To My Arm
How are your farming adventures going? It only felt like yesterday when I was watching you pick your very first Gout Tuber.
Maybe we can go on another adventure together sometime soon?
Sincerely, your strangely-named human friendHey Friend!
Goutweed growin' very nicely here in Weiss! Lots of tasty tubers. An' that's not only thin' growin' around here! Snowflake an' My Arm 'ave been plantin' some seeds of our own, an' we're proud to announce dat a new friend is on der way! My Arm can already hear the STOMP STOMP of little feet... even though we didn't use no seed dibber!
Hope you come and meet der little one soon. Maybe we name dem after you!
All der best
Your friend
My Arm (an' Snowflake)
To Pontak
Fifteen years ago, on the 29th of Septober in the 168th Year of the Fifth Age, I wrote you to give an update in my quest for Zamorak's teddy bear, Saradomin's wig, a left-handed chisel, cheese from the moon, and a dodo egg.
First, I'd like to apologize for my language; I was but a mere child at the time. In the many years passed, I've since completed the trials once over again, and even slain the mighty Jormungand, and am now known as Thorkar Dräpare. It's safe to say I have grown substantially over these years. To that end, I'd like to make amends and extend my hand for a truce. What say you?
Secondly, I wanted to give you an update. I've since located the Mage Gower's skull; you'll be interested to know that he actually still possesses it. I pen this note from inside my sleeping bag, which I use often. I had Guthix's climbing boots, but sold them many years ago after their street price skyrocketed. And, recently, I traveled to Zanaris and was able to craft a delicious cheese from the many cows that inhabit that realm. So, I have now retrieved that item as well. However, despite my many efforts, I have yet to locate the dodo egg. However, rest assured: my quest continues to this day.
I hope this finds you well, and I do sincerely wish you all the best.
aragornjack1Ha! Hello, Thorkar, formerly known as Thorlor.
I remember your letter well! It was this one, wasn't it?
Why do you hate all outlanders? You are mean. And by the way, I bought Zamoraks Teddy Bear, but i got rid of it. It tried to attack me. You wouldnt want one of those. And I have the left handed chisel. All regular chisels are left handed. And Saradomin's wig belongs to Veleornia. She's actually a boy who is bald. She went to the makeover mage, and he forgot to give her hair. Oh and one more thing, Im level 57 and im soooo much stronger than you. I only need to kill Koschei the Deathless and then Ill have seven votes and Brundt will let me in. hahahahah u are a noob.
Hope you have a bad life,
aragornjack1Good to see your spelling's improved, at least. We Fremenniks learn how to use apostrophes before we can talk! So you've completed multiple trials, have you? Slain the Jormungand? Humph. Still not so impressive by Fremennik standards, but I suppose I can forgive you your earlier outburst. I remember how I reacted when Old Chief Svinulf told me I had to build a longboat with nothing but a glass hammer and a box of assorted knots! It took me at least a week. Good old Svinulf - now there was a man who knew the real meaning of the word 'trial'!
Maybe I'm out of touch? No, this new generation is just soft. Pah! Even Askeladden's Pet Rock could fetch me a measly Dodo Egg.
Still, I will say you've made good progress with the rest of the list. In another 15 years, maybe you'll finish it off - and my left toenail will be chieftain!
Keep looking,
Pontak
To the Bank of Gielinor
What was your reaction the first time you saw someone try to deposit the mythical Godsword? Are there items that the wonderful Banking staff prefer or resent? My second question is about your new branch being opened in the near future. What was the process like acquiring the land rights in the newly discovered Ancient wing of the God Wars Dungeon? I’ve been enormously impressed by your commitment to customer service (like your work with the chest on Ironman Isle on Fossil Island), and I’m very impressed that you’re taking this to the next level. Will you be getting KC for your personnel every time that items need to be brought down?
Gratefully yours, The AdventurerGood day, Hablapata!
Frankly, being handed a Godsword was quite a shock! Especially since there were three more in the queue. It's not every day you have to stick an item thought to be the stuff of myth and legend in the vault - well, actually, it is. It's every day. Hardly anything surprises us Bankers, although we're never thrilled to have to handle 28 Buckets of Compost. Can't complain, though. At least it's in a bucket!
Obviously I can't share the full details, but it's all thanks to a mysterious tip-off. A messenger just showed up one day and said we might like to expand to the Ancient Prison. We didn't even know such a place existed! But as you've observed, we're always looking to improve customer service, so we made the necessary preparations and hey presto - there's your Bank.
Unfortunately we won't be getting KC for trekking down there. We'd hardly be the most popular Bank in Gielinor if our staff went around murdering people!
Thank you for your enquiry,
B. Anker, Official Representative of the Bank of Gielinor
To Skotizo
Your feet so big, but flipper so small, why?
Sincerely, a flipper enthusiastTo the doomed Wasting EXP:
These Dark Claws of mine are indeed awe-inspiring. I can only assume that whichever lowly wretch thou hire to turn them into 'flippers' has to shrink them to fit thine puny human tootsies. Embarrassing!
Yours mockingly,
Skotizo
To Konar quo Maten
Bringer of Death,
Unfortunately a walk in the park (even a nice one) would not serve the needs of balance. Perhaps you'd like to slay some Steel Dragons in the Brimhaven Dungeon instead?
Yours,
Konar quo Maten
x
To Mambo-duna-roona and Patrick
I recently built a Large Orrery in my home, and after studying it I am perplexed. It shows our home planet Gielinor, alongside our moon Zanaris, in orbit around a star. However, I also noticed a second planet with two moons also orbiting our star.
What is this planet? Is it inhabited? Are its moons similarly inhabited by magical fairies like Zanaris? I'd love to know.
With great inquisitiveness,
WorldstreamDear Worldstream,
How wonderful to see an adventurer like yourself with such a passionate interest in astronomy! That Orrery looks to be based on our model here at the Observatory.
Unfortunately, Scorpius' notes on the project were lost in one of the many goblin raids, although we can guess that the model does indeed show our own planet, and one other. However, I must stress that this is all conjecture. I myself have not observed these other celestial bodies, and judging by this model they'd be completely uninhabitable. Take the large planet in the middle, for example; if Scorpius is to be believed, half of it would never even see daylight! What sort of creatures could survive in such conditions?
Perhaps these fairies of yours could manage it? Ha - fairies on the moon. What a charming idea. Take my advice, young astronomer - lay off Patrick's wine!
Yours,
Professor Groningen
To Bob the Cat
Oh, Freak_Mage... I'm sure he knows.
That's all from Postie Pete for now! There will be a new Reddit thread soon where you can submit letters for the next Gazette, so keep your eyes out for that!